Due to my broke-ass-ed-ness I don’t really get to travel a
lot. Which is pretty sad, but ultimately just means I don’t have to deal with
people’s bullshit ruining my expensive vacation. Because:
1. Airport hygiene is
like beckoning AIDS to ravage you
Apparently, knowing you’ll likely never meet any of your
fellow bathroom visitors means you don’t have to give two shits about
your…um..shits.
Whereas normal potty etiquette is conducive to toilet
flushing, hand washing, and no farting goodness, airport toilet etiquette is
more of an “anything goes” deal-io. In fact, chances are that 7 out of every 10
airport bathroom encounters will leave you so grossed out you won’t even need
to “go” anymore.
I learned this at an early age.
One time when I was six I held my pee from when we left my
grandma’s house in Rome to when we got to Mexico City. If that’s not the mark
of a gifted child, I don’t know what is.
2. There is a serious
lack of outlets
I see you there little Asian businessman, guarding the only
outlet in a 3 terminal radius with your life. And you know what? Despite having
no intention of paying for the airport wifi, I will more than likely steal your
spot when you get up. Airports are no place for manners and this sister needs
an outlet.
3. Airport stores are
highway robbery
The whole “go past this point and I’m going to have to frisk
you again when you try to come in” thing airports are known for ends up acting
as a great deterrent for people who enjoy shopping at competitive prices.
Unfortunately, since airports are exactly like a North
Korean labor camp (except with food) they’re accustomed to locking you in and
deciding everything for you. Even the fast food stores in airports have zero
incentive to have a dollar menu because as it turns out, Mr. Fatshitz
and his family of seven will still order sixteen burgers despite them costing
$19.99 each.
For me, that means either forking over $4.99 for a soft
pretzel or starving to death. Talk about being stuck between a rock and a hard
place.
4. Airport chairs are
designed to make you grope your chair neighbor
I’m not sure if this is just me, but I absolutely loathe
friendly bullshit interactions with strangers. Contrary to popular belief, just
because we’re sharing the monumental experience of waiting for the same
airplane does not mean we just became airplane buddies.
Most of the time this can be avoided by reading an Avril
Lavigne autobiography and picking at arm scabs, but when you’re sitting down at
a gate, there’s only so much you can do.
This is applicable to pretty much anywhere there is a large
group of people and a ridiculously small quantity of uncomfortable chairs but
is especially tragic when you’re enduring the world’s longest layover. Why?
Well because airplane seating is designed like this:
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| You don't realize how bad old people smell until their IBS acts up 12 inches from your face. |
5. Screw you TSA, I’m
not taking my damn flip flops off
I’m all for safety. In fact, nothing pleases me more than
getting from point A to point B sans terrorist hijacking. Having said that I do think TSA might be going over the top
with their safety measures.
One time, many moons ago, I had the audacity of going
through the virtual cavity search machine (or whatever that thing is called)
with my flip-flops on. My logic being “hey, if they can see my lady-tater,
chances are they can also tell my flip flops aren’t concealing some Iranian
made high grade explosive”.
Unfortunately, I seriously overestimated TSAs intelligence
and was greeted on the other side of the body scanner by a 300lb beluga
whale-woman ready to frisk my rights away.
6. Unprepared Ursula
and her family of 12
Traveling with children can be stressful. I don’t really
know this from experience because I’m smarter than that, but I can just imagine
how terribly shittastic it is.
Because I can somewhat understand how inconveniencing it is
to have to drag little crying people everywhere you go, I’m usually nice enough
to overlook the crying monsters.
But I draw the line at unprepared people traveling with
children.
I’m sorry, did you
just realize your child is incapable of going through security by
itself? Could it perhaps be because the little one is TWO YEARS OLD?!
It’s not cute when you make your two-year-old carry their
own luggage through security checks. In fact, not only is borderline child
abuse, it’s a colossal waste of my time. Because you insisted little Timmy be a
big boy and do everything himself, I’m now stuck at security for an extra 20
minutes. Thanks ass.
7. Restrictions on my
right to say stupid shit
Tell someone to look away because you’re changing clothes
and what’s the first thing they do? Turn around and look directly at you.
Because that’s true for pretty much any person who has ever
existed, I and many others like me, have a really hard time adhering to the
whole ‘watch what you say’ airport protocol.
The more TSA reminds me that they have the right to kick me
out of the airport if they catch me saying dumb shit, the higher the chance of
phrases such as “I got the anthrax baby, it’s the BOMB!” coming out of my
mouth.
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