5 Reasons Why Going to the Mall Hurts More Than Getting Shot in the Face

Let me begin this by saying that I have absolutely no problem with uninhibited capitalism or its presence in American malls. Not one bit. In fact, if I can condense my lavish and unsustainable money spending habits to a two-story building then I can pretty much die a happy woman.

And don’t get me wrong; I fully understand that a thorough mall excursion by definition requires dealing with the thousands of little turd people that frequent it every day. Its just part of the experience, like sandy feet at the beach or finding little bits of hair on you two weeks after a haircut.

However I do have a problem when the aforementioned people decide to co-opt my shopping extravaganza with their bullshit shenanigans. I’ve thought long and hard about how to handle this, and most of my solutions involve blunt trauma to the head, which is sadly not an option.

So to relinquish my fanatical hatred for the turd people I have decided to identify each group of social perpetrators, and pit them against each other in a classic hypothetical battle to the death a-la Hunger Games (except everyone dies in the end).

We begin by identifying the social douchewaffles:

1. Mall walkers – Harmless as individuals, a fortress of shape-ups yielding senior citizen power when traveling in packs. Though most mall walkers have the dignity to engage in their stampeding prior to sunrise, there remains the issue of the token ones who do choose to come out during daylight. I’m not sure what propels them to uncontrollably trample all that crosses their path, but they seem to inexplicably grow stronger with age.

2. The “cool” 8^th graders – Though not exclusive to the mall scene, the “cool” 8^th graders are the select group of turd buckets whose inept parents have deemed them suitable to roam public spaces unsupervised. This newfound freedom seems to unleash a leviathan like creature that, like the mall walkers, only seems to strengthen with numbers. These creatures can often be found in stores such as Hot Topic and Pac Sun, trying on clothes despite having no money, and generally destroying any semblance of peace in any given retail establishment.

3.  Scenesters and hipsters – This is just obvious. If you need to understand this, chances are you fall into this category. As a general rule though, this includes: anyone who wears sunglasses with a mustache already attached to them, looks like the losing end of an Audrey Hepburn-Kat Von D battle, or knows how to play any song by The Smiths on the ukulele.

4.  Sexually charged Sue and her boy toy Skip – One of my biggest pet peeves, this couple just cant seem to keep their paws off each other long enough for me to keep my Auntie Anne’s pretzel down. Often seen holding hands and making a wedding registry at Williams-Sonoma, their complete disregard for human life (outside their perfect duo) makes these criminals especially dangerous. When with children, beware of Sue and Skip, as their disregard for decency in public places will likely scar your children to no end. 

5. The sleazy kiosk salesman – Unlike the four previous categories who frequent malls across America for fun, the sleazy kiosk salesman exists solely to annoy. While I can often dismiss the tamer ones with a simple “no thanks”, the sleazy kiosk salesman simply won’t take “no thanks” for an answer. Instead, he often chooses to lure me into buying his hair straighteners by groping my head, assaulting a chunk of my hair, and insisting I sit through his demonstration. I’m not really sure why they think these fondling tactics will work, when all it really makes me want to do is punch them in the sack.

Now that we've identified the perpetrators, stay tuned for part two, where I pit them against each other in an epic death match (that will likely lead to them all dying).