5 Reasons Why Watching Basketball Doesn't Suck Big Ones

Relationships are a lot like bartering; a cautious game of give and take where sometimes you get stuck watching mid-week basketball games. Now I'm not one to complain, I hate pretty much everything about the sport so in these dark times, I'm forced to find suitable alternatives to watching nearly a dozen sweaty men continually run up and down a court.

Lucky for me, I've invented a game I like to call "Oh-shit!-that-guy-is-totally-hot". Clever, I know. In no particular order I present:

1. Kris Humphries 

What he claims he does: 6'9" Power forward for the Brooklyn Nets

...But really: To me (and currently the american legal system) he'll always be Mr. Kardashian. He seems to have gotten the bulk of the negative rep from him and the harlot-who-shan't-be-named's failed marriage. Fun fact: I went to a spurs-Nets game with the full intent of having him notice me. It didn't happen. Biggest waste of $3 ever.

2. Blake Griffin

What he claims he does: 6'10" Power forward for the L.A. Clippers. 

...But really: He's just 251 pounds of solid muscle and at 23 of age, he's totally an eligible bachelor. Yes, he's from Oklahoma; but we all make mistakes! If his hilarious Kia commercials don't convince you of his killer hotness and hilarious combo, take a look at him on the cover of Men's Health. Warning: probably not okay in the company of parents, siblings, boyfriends and anyone else who may judge the shit out of you.

3. Chandler Parsons

What he claims he does: 6'9" Small forward for the Houston Rockets.

...But really: He looks like Harry Styles. Isn't that enough? 

4. Ricky Rubio

What he claims he does: 6'4" Point guard for the Timberwolves.

...But really: Ethnic Harry Styles. 

5. Goran Dragić

What he claims he does: 6'3" Point Guard for the Suns.

...But really: He's just your classic super hot, multi-ethnic, run of the mill Slovenian heartthrob who, according to the great wikipedia, speaks "Slovenian, Serbian, Spanish and English". No big no big.

Honorable mention: Chris Paul

What he claims he does: 6'0" Point Guard for the Clippers.

Why he's not top 5: Partly because I already had my fill of Clippers, partly because I already had two point guards on my list. But mostly because he's married and has the world's cutest kid.

...But: Those eyes! Carlton Banks has never looked so good.

Boobs, boobs and more boobs: A Review of Grammys Fashion as Told by Someone Who Still Thinks Choker Necklaces Are Cool

Between Elton John rocking what can only be described as a radioactive blue turd and TSwift proving to the world that she knows the words to every single song ever written, tonight's Grammy awards were nothing short of show stopping uneventfully mediocre.

No one tripped. No one cried. No one accidentally lost their shit and stole TSwift's spotlight.

The only redeeming value of the entire sha-bang was the off putting, mildly disturbing clothing choices.  And of course, Katy Perry's now legendary rack. Without further ado, lets review tonight's real winners.

HOT:

Adele - With her super sexy Mary-Poppins-meets-the-curtains-of-#4-Privet Drive look, Adele and Adele fetus stole the show. Très chic.

I just want her to feed me a spoon full of sugar.

NOT:

Mrs. Carter - Vaguely reminiscent of an 8-bit Super Mario, the lovely Mrs. Carter rocked this...erm...dress shoulderpad ensemble quite well. Notice the versatility of the outfit, Grammy glam by night, jogging pantaloons and throwback Destiny's Child mid 90's unflattering top by day!

We just LOVE how shapeless this makes her entire body look!

HOT:

JLo - What can be said about this outfit that hasn't been said about the overtly suggestive outfits russian gymnasts wore in the late 80's? This leotard and cape combo is made ultra classy with her "oh-fuck-the-grammys-are-today?-and-i'm-presenting?-well-shit-okay-lets-do-this" hair thing. (Not sure what the technical term for giant torpedo turd on your head is)

JLo, do you work on commission?  BIG MISTAKE, HUGE

NOT:

Carly Rae Jepsen - It could be her overtly pale skin. It could be her TSwift wannabee do'. Whatever it is, Carley Rae has a terrible time pulling off this style which can only be described as "terminator mermaid chic". The good news is that her boobs are coming in. You go Glen Coco!

Stay tuned for her new perfume - "desperatïon", now at Macy's

HOT:

John Mayer - Few people can pull off crushed velvet without looking like a mediocre pimp from Harlem. John on the other hand not only pulls it off, but manages to look hobo-classy through it all. Somewhere in the distance a disgruntled goodwill employee curses the name of John Mayer for letting him undersell that phenomenal piece of textile history.  

Fucking Majestic

 NOT:
This bitch - Not sure what her name is. In fact, up until the Grammys I was almost certain she was a waitress in a commercial about iHomes. Whoever you are, please remember that this is the Grammys and not Tejanofest. Keep the mariachi get up for a far more special occasion.

I spy with my little eye the toe of a camel.

HOT:

Katy Perry - Boobs. Look at them. Those little gravity defying monsters. The only consolation I have is that I know she's probably suffocating under three layers of Spanx. 

Call the gravity police.

NOT:

This bitch - She won something for helping someone do something, right? Regardless, it looks like Tinker Bell had one too many cran-vodkas and decided to puke glitter and tulle. Alternatively this could be what Ke$ha could shit if she decided to eat a ballerina.

How does this even cover anything?

HOT:

TSwift - Taylor stole the show with this Cleopatra knockoff. Brownie points to her for being able to show us leg, lyrics and side boob throughout the whole show. The only downside is that the fatty in me wants to spoon-feed her some pizza. Look at those arms. 

Did you like the Grammy's fashion? Did you think it's just a stupid reason for people to dress up and hang out in the Staples Center? Let me know, because I care about each and every one of you, assmunchkins.

If you liked this post, check out my other stuff here:

7 Reasons Why I Never Intend To Spawn Children

5 Movies That Actually Don't Suck

5 Reasons Why Going To The Mall Hurts More Than Getting Shot In The Face