5 Reasons Why Watching Basketball Doesn't Suck Big Ones

Relationships are a lot like bartering; a cautious game of give and take where sometimes you get stuck watching mid-week basketball games. Now I'm not one to complain, I hate pretty much everything about the sport so in these dark times, I'm forced to find suitable alternatives to watching nearly a dozen sweaty men continually run up and down a court.

Lucky for me, I've invented a game I like to call "Oh-shit!-that-guy-is-totally-hot". Clever, I know. In no particular order I present:

1. Kris Humphries 

What he claims he does: 6'9" Power forward for the Brooklyn Nets

...But really: To me (and currently the american legal system) he'll always be Mr. Kardashian. He seems to have gotten the bulk of the negative rep from him and the harlot-who-shan't-be-named's failed marriage. Fun fact: I went to a spurs-Nets game with the full intent of having him notice me. It didn't happen. Biggest waste of $3 ever.

2. Blake Griffin

What he claims he does: 6'10" Power forward for the L.A. Clippers. 

...But really: He's just 251 pounds of solid muscle and at 23 of age, he's totally an eligible bachelor. Yes, he's from Oklahoma; but we all make mistakes! If his hilarious Kia commercials don't convince you of his killer hotness and hilarious combo, take a look at him on the cover of Men's Health. Warning: probably not okay in the company of parents, siblings, boyfriends and anyone else who may judge the shit out of you.

3. Chandler Parsons

What he claims he does: 6'9" Small forward for the Houston Rockets.

...But really: He looks like Harry Styles. Isn't that enough? 

4. Ricky Rubio

What he claims he does: 6'4" Point guard for the Timberwolves.

...But really: Ethnic Harry Styles. 

5. Goran Dragić

What he claims he does: 6'3" Point Guard for the Suns.

...But really: He's just your classic super hot, multi-ethnic, run of the mill Slovenian heartthrob who, according to the great wikipedia, speaks "Slovenian, Serbian, Spanish and English". No big no big.

Honorable mention: Chris Paul

What he claims he does: 6'0" Point Guard for the Clippers.

Why he's not top 5: Partly because I already had my fill of Clippers, partly because I already had two point guards on my list. But mostly because he's married and has the world's cutest kid.

...But: Those eyes! Carlton Banks has never looked so good.