3 Things That Will Make You Feel Old as Crap - Pop Culture Edition

Let me just lay all my cards out there and tell the world that I'm 22. Not the Taylor Swift "everything will be alright if we just keep dancing like we're 22" sort of way, just the regular "oh hey, I'm old enough to not have anything cool to look forward to anymore except maybe the senior discount at Denny's" kind of way.

So I figured it might be nice to make my fellow twenty-something's as equally depressed about the whole ordeal. I present to you 3 things that will make you feel really, really old - pop culture edition.

1.  Maddie Briann Aldridge Can Read

 

This is Maddie Aldrige, the daughter of famed Jamie Lynn Spears, former nickelodeon child star and protagonist of the show Zoey 101. Maddie can read now, in fact she can probably do many real-people things, like figure out how to set a timer on a microwave.  So, there's that.

2. Michael Jackson has Been Dead for Almost Half a Decade

 

On the 25th of June it will be four years since MJ's death. Included in the nearly endless guest list was Whitney Houston, who has also been dead for almost two years.

 

 

3. Holy Shit, Frankie Muniz

 

I was a giant fan of Malcolm in the Middle, mostly because I could completely relate to being a neglected super-genius with a wheelchair confined best friend who took twenty minutes to say two sentences. Either way, cute little Malcolm went from this:

 

 

to this:



 



 

Who actually bears an uncanny resemblance to this guy:

 

 

Who now cooks meth with this guy:

 

 

So, you know, full circle there.

 

 



 

The Greatest Story Ever Told

So there’s this choir, right?

And they’re pretty much a lovable band of misfits because singing is LAME, right?



 

But, oh no! Something bad happens and it looks like this may be the end for the choir. Hold on to your seats though, because we're only about six minutes into the movie and I have a very strong feeling it's not going to end like this.

But wait - there just happens to be an upcoming show where if they win first place, they might just get to redeem themselves and bring honor to their dying program! And, what’s this? Oh no! It looks like the super-great super-talented one-dimensional, never-developed-as-a-character-because-fuck-it mega choir who wins every year is standing in their way. There's no way we can beat them since they always win, right?

Well as it turns out all it takes to beat years of vocal lessons and impeccable choreography is BEING YOURSELF? Yep, that's right. Take any song that has ever been popular in the history of ever, mash it up with an equally over played song and you've got yourself a recipe for the world's biggest choral show upset. Bonus points if you can get a minority to rap a verse.  

Fin.