The 5 Shittiest Christmas Presents You Can (and Will) Receive

Christmas is a joyous event. I get to go home, my mother feeds me food that requires actual cooking (as opposed to my usual microwave faux sausage & biscuit meals), and I get avalanches of large, albeit completely useless, presents. (Read: How to Ruin Christmas) Despite my abundant fondness with all things Christmas, the issue of craptastical presents remains ever present. (Get it? Good.) Call me a dickbag or call me honest (I don’t really care) either way Christmas is, has, and always will be about hoarding expensive shit that I would otherwise never purchase with my own money.

1. Christmas themed Christmas presents shit 



In a world where ugly sweaters are the pinnacle of hipsterdom, one would logically conclude that Christmas themed shit would be sold year-round (for ironic purposes).  

This is what sex appeal looks like

Surprisingly, not the case. The result is Christmas themed Christmas presents shit, one of the worst and most useless Christmas presents out there. You open it up, and have exactly 12 hours before you shove it in the back of your closet for the next 364 days.

2.“Make your own whatever” kits

This might very well be a me thing, but I have never been fond of make-your-own whatever kits. My time is precious and chances are that whatever I make will be a substantially crappier version of a product that is already easily purchasable.

Yep. This is a thing.

Any “present” that requires effort and manual labor from my part should be promptly incinerated with the pile of ugly Christmas sweaters. 

3. Clothes

I don’t care if you pushed me out of your hoo-hah. I don’t care if our friendship has outlived the longest running Danish soap opera. Don’t buy me clothes. You probably don’t know me as well as you think you do and regardless of the item I will be inclined to hate it. I can’t explain it. It’s just… science.

4.Outdated Technology

I’m not talking about cool outdated technology, like a Gameboy color with pokemon blue version. I’m specifically anti “oh-shit-it’s-christmas-and-I-forgot,-so-let-me-show-you-my-faux-appreciation-for-your-existence-with-this-dated-item-I-found-in-the-bargain-bin-at-frys-as-I-was-leaving” kind of presents. Like a USB cooling fan, or a laser pointer/powerPoint clicker/English to Welsh translator device. It is of no use to me, and I will simply not stand for it.

5. As seen on TV

My hostility against as seen on TV gifts likely stems from my hatred of slimy misogynist douchebag, Vince “Offer” Shlomi. You know, the skeezeball from the schticky commercials?

So this is what Satan's asshole looks like!

See? Slimy. Either way, as seen on TV gifts always reek of senior citizens and identity fraud. If you want to keep it classy, reserve the as seen on TV gifts for extra special holidays, like presidents day and Tim Burton day. The only exception? Pajama jeans. Those suckers are good for any occasion.

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What presents do you shit bricks for? Leave it in the comments below and you just might are certain to get a response from me if I’m not busy with important adult people things, because I will in all likelihood be watching gangnam style cat parodies.

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