The best part?
I get to play with them and then give them back to their parents when they take a giant green shit everywhere.
But babies scare the living shit out of me, so I don't think I'll be doing any of this in the future:
Yeah. That's a human coming out of a hoo-hah. Need more reasons? Here are seven.
1. Everything comes out of every orifice imaginable.
This is kindof a no-shit (pun fully intended) statement, but a seriously overlooked one. Holding a fellow human being and having them burp up half-digested boob milk is one thing, but once poop comes into play, I'm out. A simple google image search for "Baby Poop" yields some disgusting results that I wouldn't even wish upon my single greatest enemy. Seriously. Did you know that baby shit could be watery AND green, because I sure didn't. The worst part, aside from the fact that they spew crap literally every couple hours, is that their little butts are so extremely delicate that you have to wipe with the same level of caution as dusting the crown jewels (I'm not stopping the puns, so just stop reading now).
2. Giving birth is so painful your body has a hormone to trick you into forgetting about it.
I don't recall where I heard this and it might not be true. Or it might. Hell if I know. Regardless, someone at some point convinced me that upon releasing a human being from my over-stretched coochie, I would forget the excruciating pain to ensure my dumb ass get pregnant again. Fortunately I'm smarter than that and if I never get preggers in the first place, I don't have to deal with my hormones calling the family planning shots.
3. Their body parts fall off.
Okay that might be a tad mellow dramatic, but you get the idea. Have you ever seen a baby's belly button before it turns all cute and sealed? No? Here:
HOLY MOTHER OF GOD. No, thats not an alien pulsating through a human body. It's just the withering remains of life. Now imagine having to handle a human being who for the first couple weeks of life has that monstrosity protruding from their abdomen.
4. Angry babies will kick and punch the shit out of their pregnant mother.
They say a picture is worth a thousand words, but I think this one is worth ten million. Notice the angry "let-me-the-fuck-out" position of this baby foot.
This gives new meaning to the phrase "Oh look, the baby is kicking!" What other adorable shenanigans can your little fetus friend get into? One word: boners. Yep. Apparently the "feel good" hormones a mother releases can trigger the "feel good" boner reflex of a baby boy. Talk about oedipus complex.
5. You shit everywhere.
This seems to be a common theme of pregnancy and babies, and is also the number one reason why I don't intend on spawning. All of the 10 minutes I spent googling before I decided to write this research seems to indicate that the vast majority of ladies spill their shits right before delivering their bundle of joy. And according to pretty much anyone who has ever spawned, you have ZERO CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWEL MOVEMENTS. Again, no thank you. Very few things are worth me shitting myself over, and babies are definitely not one of them.
6. After you shit out a human being, you realize how absolutely horrible everything about life is.
"Why the fuck did I sign up for this shit?" syndrome, also known as post-partum depression, affects 20% of mothers. That means that after carrying your bundle of joy for nine months and surviving nearly mortal levels of pain, you have a 1 in 5 chance of hating everything about your life. If Amber from Teen Mom has taught me anything, it's that I am not will never be self-actualized enough to not want slaughter my child and redneck baby daddy at a moment's notice.
7. Babies turn into kids. Kids turn into assholes.
I watch obsessively faun over the shows Teen Mom and Teen Mom 2. I have no problem admitting this. In fact, I'd like to think that their struggles have helped me realize how terribly shitty raising kids is. When all the babies were..err...babies, dealing with them was limited to finding out why they were crying, and fixing it. Now as season 3 rolls around these kids are talking, walking and generally doing terrible toddler stuff. I can't wait until Teen Mom season 16, when Farah has to deal with Sophia's inevitable teenage pregnancy and crippling cocaine addiction.
If that's not enough reasons to keep your legs closed for the rest of eternity then stay tuned for part II, where I discuss 7 more reasons why babies suck.
BONUS TRIVIA: Did you know that: In this post I said shit (or a derivative of shit) 15 times. I keep it classy.
THANK YOU. Been saying this all along. I don't want to have stretch marks and deal with my pelvis being mutilated by a small human being with a soft skeleton so it'll be just fine.
ReplyDeleteThank you, thank you, thank you. I was worried my post would come off as extra bitch mode, so I'm glad someone else shares my vehement opposition to babies.
DeleteWell, it is true that the body secretes a hormone so you feel euphoric once the baby has exited the body. Which I think is totally deserving! LOL I also openly admit to watching Teen Mom.. and the new season of 2 started this past Monday. =)
ReplyDeleteOn another note, I've thought a lot recently about how sort of pathetic parents seem to me.. especially the young ones. It almost seems like the more education you have, the more you don't want to give up your life by having kids. For example, girls who don't finish high school are super excited to have kids (even when they get pregnant too young). Those who have a college degree, statistically, wait longer in life to start a family. I've been trying to figure out where I stand. I mean, a part of me wants to but another part of me wants freedom to travel and study and be nomadic. A baby is a lifetime commitment. Intense thought process here! LOL
All cynicism aside, I know exactly what you mean. Having worked my ass off in school for the past 17 years the idea of throwing it all away on raising a human being seems like a waste of my intellect. Even if I don’t consider the very real problems outlined above, raising babies is EXPENSIVE. Having a kid would mean sacrificing my ability to travel and go out and do things that I consider to be substantially better than tending to a crying bundle of joy.
DeleteYou write very well.
ReplyDeleteNow, on to the discussion - the thing is, puberty isn't the only time your brain changes. Sometime between 20s and 30s, the brain undergoes more changes and your perspective in life changes. Just as in your teenage years, you look with amusement at the games and thought process of first, second, third etc grader and consider yourself as "grown-up" - something similar happens again in your 20s. Now you look at teenagers and go, "dumbasses!". And instead of feeling the craving of independence, you also would like to be dependent. You feel acute loneliness, akin to a teenagers ache but different. Your 20s will thus be spent trying to fight your cynicism, and trying to find the right interdependent balance between establishing your independence while nurturing your relationships with your significant others.
You will also read this post then and think - girl, really? :)
(A word of advice - don't nurture your selfishness. Selfishness is thinking only about yourself, at the expense of others. I am not saying you are selfish. At your age, it is natural to think of me, me and me alone. However, when any selfish thought occurs, try to think of the selfless way too so that you don't unknowingly transmute the selfish thoughts into action thus making it a part of your character. For example, here the selfish thought is, "if I have a baby, I can't do this and that". Take yourself out of the picture to think selfless - like the thought, "my mom would like to be a grandma and I would bring some joy into her life when I have kids".)
Also - you'll kill me for saying this - but ... You seem to be the horny kind of woman, and so the chances of you getting knocked up (accidentally) will be pretty high - you are having kids, one way or the other ...
(Ducks and disappears before the disapproving glare and the attacks begins).
Sincerely,
Anonymous Coward.
Having gone through all these "terrible things" and more (including two miscarriages) bringing our three beautiful children into the world and now enjoying 4 grandchildren and a 5th due in May I feel very sorry for you. We struggled through some very hard times, but our children and now grand children are the lights of our life. In the circle of life it is great to know we will have family to love us and take care of us in our twilight years as we are taking care of our parents. In today's society so many people do not care about family the way we do as such is the pity. I am blessed to live in a loving multi-generational family. We love and take care of our family from birth to death. And, BTW that photo of the baby's foot on the mother's belly is priceless!!!! I LOVED feeling our babies move and the shifts in their positions. I played with them before they were born. Until you actually carry your child your will never know the joy of feeling a new life inside you and knowing you are actually creating life. I hope what ever made you so scared about having a child goes away before you regret it. There are a lot of women out there that would give everything they have to have a child and it makes me very sad for you.
ReplyDeleteSigned a Very Proud and Happy Mother and Grandmother
BTW you can e-mail me at alzheimersucks.com with any comments, I didn't see a way to not be anonymous I could use.
ReplyDeleteVery Proud Mom & Grand Mom