I've moved!

I've taken my talents to South Beach, so to speak, and moved my blog to an awesome new website. If you're interested in checking out what I've been up to, visit my new website at www.shalittle.com!

Reviewing IM5's Cover of "It's Gonna Be Me"

As some of you may know, I have a very healthy obsession with boy bands. Always have. Probably always will. A few weeks ago a good friend of mine pointed me in the direction of this music video and the 16 year old in me freaked out like none other.

Boy band? Check.

Mashup? Check.

Choreographed dancing in slightly racist costumes? Check.

Basically it had all the makings of everything a great youtube video should have. I had never heard of this band but I was pretty much ready to punch some 12 year old girls to get a front row spot at their concert.

So today when I found out this random band of boys (who may or may not resemble an advertisement for an ethnically conscious textbook) were at it again, I pretty much shit myself. I double shit myself when I found out they were a boy band covering a boy band. 

Exactly like this.

So let's recap this video, shall we?

For starters take a gander at the video below and by all means follow along with my particularly insightful commentary. 

RECAP

0:04 - Okay. Starting out in the same school building as the last video. Das cool. 

0:12 - Mexican child has a tail. Watch out; I bet he's going to be the wild one of the group. 

0:43 - Cardigan boy has the derpiest derp face ever. 

0:52 - I can't tell if this location is on purpose or they just decided to film in a parking lot. 

0:53 - Definitely parking lot. There's a shit ton of trash everywhere. Keep it classy IM5.

1:07 - STOP WITH THE WEIRD CAMERA MOVEMENTS

1:42 - The boy with eyeliner needs to learn to dance. And he needs to stop wearing eyeliner. Little boy, you are no Pete Wentz. 

1:47 - Oh no. I don't think I can handle the Tiny's bad lip synching. I don't know his real name so I'll name him Teacup.

1:50 - Someone just sang but no one's lips moved. THIS IS A DISASTER. BRING BACK JUSTIN. BRING BACK LANCE BASS. 

1:52 - Seriously, I would even settle for Joey Fat-One at this point. 

1:56 - It happened. Teacup got a solo. You go Teacup.

2:06 - Way to fuck that up, Teacup. Pro tip: To get people to believe you're really singing, try moving your lips in a singing-like motion. 

2:16 - Whoa now, little letter jacket boy has some serious confusion on his face. I think I'll call him Tiny Burrito. Yep. I went there.

2:18 - GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER, TINY BURRITO! THIS IS NOT BRITAIN'S GOT TALENT. DANCE LIKE MARIO LOPEZ IS JUDGING THE FUCK OUT OF YOU. You wouldn't survive a single episode on America's Best Dance Crew. 

2:34 - So. Much. Eyeliner. 

2:51 - Teacup, you're literally killing me. 

3:10 - It's..It's over. I'm okay. We're all okay. It's okay. 

3 Things That Will Make You Feel Old as Crap - Pop Culture Edition

Let me just lay all my cards out there and tell the world that I'm 22. Not the Taylor Swift "everything will be alright if we just keep dancing like we're 22" sort of way, just the regular "oh hey, I'm old enough to not have anything cool to look forward to anymore except maybe the senior discount at Denny's" kind of way.

So I figured it might be nice to make my fellow twenty-something's as equally depressed about the whole ordeal. I present to you 3 things that will make you feel really, really old - pop culture edition.

1.  Maddie Briann Aldridge Can Read

 

This is Maddie Aldrige, the daughter of famed Jamie Lynn Spears, former nickelodeon child star and protagonist of the show Zoey 101. Maddie can read now, in fact she can probably do many real-people things, like figure out how to set a timer on a microwave.  So, there's that.

2. Michael Jackson has Been Dead for Almost Half a Decade

 

On the 25th of June it will be four years since MJ's death. Included in the nearly endless guest list was Whitney Houston, who has also been dead for almost two years.

 

 

3. Holy Shit, Frankie Muniz

 

I was a giant fan of Malcolm in the Middle, mostly because I could completely relate to being a neglected super-genius with a wheelchair confined best friend who took twenty minutes to say two sentences. Either way, cute little Malcolm went from this:

 

 

to this:



 



 

Who actually bears an uncanny resemblance to this guy:

 

 

Who now cooks meth with this guy:

 

 

So, you know, full circle there.

 

 



 

The Greatest Story Ever Told

So there’s this choir, right?

And they’re pretty much a lovable band of misfits because singing is LAME, right?



 

But, oh no! Something bad happens and it looks like this may be the end for the choir. Hold on to your seats though, because we're only about six minutes into the movie and I have a very strong feeling it's not going to end like this.

But wait - there just happens to be an upcoming show where if they win first place, they might just get to redeem themselves and bring honor to their dying program! And, what’s this? Oh no! It looks like the super-great super-talented one-dimensional, never-developed-as-a-character-because-fuck-it mega choir who wins every year is standing in their way. There's no way we can beat them since they always win, right?

Well as it turns out all it takes to beat years of vocal lessons and impeccable choreography is BEING YOURSELF? Yep, that's right. Take any song that has ever been popular in the history of ever, mash it up with an equally over played song and you've got yourself a recipe for the world's biggest choral show upset. Bonus points if you can get a minority to rap a verse.  

Fin.

5 Reasons Why Watching Basketball Doesn't Suck Big Ones

Relationships are a lot like bartering; a cautious game of give and take where sometimes you get stuck watching mid-week basketball games. Now I'm not one to complain, I hate pretty much everything about the sport so in these dark times, I'm forced to find suitable alternatives to watching nearly a dozen sweaty men continually run up and down a court.

Lucky for me, I've invented a game I like to call "Oh-shit!-that-guy-is-totally-hot". Clever, I know. In no particular order I present:

1. Kris Humphries 

What he claims he does: 6'9" Power forward for the Brooklyn Nets

...But really: To me (and currently the american legal system) he'll always be Mr. Kardashian. He seems to have gotten the bulk of the negative rep from him and the harlot-who-shan't-be-named's failed marriage. Fun fact: I went to a spurs-Nets game with the full intent of having him notice me. It didn't happen. Biggest waste of $3 ever.

2. Blake Griffin

What he claims he does: 6'10" Power forward for the L.A. Clippers. 

...But really: He's just 251 pounds of solid muscle and at 23 of age, he's totally an eligible bachelor. Yes, he's from Oklahoma; but we all make mistakes! If his hilarious Kia commercials don't convince you of his killer hotness and hilarious combo, take a look at him on the cover of Men's Health. Warning: probably not okay in the company of parents, siblings, boyfriends and anyone else who may judge the shit out of you.

3. Chandler Parsons

What he claims he does: 6'9" Small forward for the Houston Rockets.

...But really: He looks like Harry Styles. Isn't that enough? 

4. Ricky Rubio

What he claims he does: 6'4" Point guard for the Timberwolves.

...But really: Ethnic Harry Styles. 

5. Goran Dragić

What he claims he does: 6'3" Point Guard for the Suns.

...But really: He's just your classic super hot, multi-ethnic, run of the mill Slovenian heartthrob who, according to the great wikipedia, speaks "Slovenian, Serbian, Spanish and English". No big no big.

Honorable mention: Chris Paul

What he claims he does: 6'0" Point Guard for the Clippers.

Why he's not top 5: Partly because I already had my fill of Clippers, partly because I already had two point guards on my list. But mostly because he's married and has the world's cutest kid.

...But: Those eyes! Carlton Banks has never looked so good.

Boobs, boobs and more boobs: A Review of Grammys Fashion as Told by Someone Who Still Thinks Choker Necklaces Are Cool

Between Elton John rocking what can only be described as a radioactive blue turd and TSwift proving to the world that she knows the words to every single song ever written, tonight's Grammy awards were nothing short of show stopping uneventfully mediocre.

No one tripped. No one cried. No one accidentally lost their shit and stole TSwift's spotlight.

The only redeeming value of the entire sha-bang was the off putting, mildly disturbing clothing choices.  And of course, Katy Perry's now legendary rack. Without further ado, lets review tonight's real winners.

HOT:

Adele - With her super sexy Mary-Poppins-meets-the-curtains-of-#4-Privet Drive look, Adele and Adele fetus stole the show. Très chic.

I just want her to feed me a spoon full of sugar.

NOT:

Mrs. Carter - Vaguely reminiscent of an 8-bit Super Mario, the lovely Mrs. Carter rocked this...erm...dress shoulderpad ensemble quite well. Notice the versatility of the outfit, Grammy glam by night, jogging pantaloons and throwback Destiny's Child mid 90's unflattering top by day!

We just LOVE how shapeless this makes her entire body look!

HOT:

JLo - What can be said about this outfit that hasn't been said about the overtly suggestive outfits russian gymnasts wore in the late 80's? This leotard and cape combo is made ultra classy with her "oh-fuck-the-grammys-are-today?-and-i'm-presenting?-well-shit-okay-lets-do-this" hair thing. (Not sure what the technical term for giant torpedo turd on your head is)

JLo, do you work on commission?  BIG MISTAKE, HUGE

NOT:

Carly Rae Jepsen - It could be her overtly pale skin. It could be her TSwift wannabee do'. Whatever it is, Carley Rae has a terrible time pulling off this style which can only be described as "terminator mermaid chic". The good news is that her boobs are coming in. You go Glen Coco!

Stay tuned for her new perfume - "desperatïon", now at Macy's

HOT:

John Mayer - Few people can pull off crushed velvet without looking like a mediocre pimp from Harlem. John on the other hand not only pulls it off, but manages to look hobo-classy through it all. Somewhere in the distance a disgruntled goodwill employee curses the name of John Mayer for letting him undersell that phenomenal piece of textile history.  

Fucking Majestic

 NOT:
This bitch - Not sure what her name is. In fact, up until the Grammys I was almost certain she was a waitress in a commercial about iHomes. Whoever you are, please remember that this is the Grammys and not Tejanofest. Keep the mariachi get up for a far more special occasion.

I spy with my little eye the toe of a camel.

HOT:

Katy Perry - Boobs. Look at them. Those little gravity defying monsters. The only consolation I have is that I know she's probably suffocating under three layers of Spanx. 

Call the gravity police.

NOT:

This bitch - She won something for helping someone do something, right? Regardless, it looks like Tinker Bell had one too many cran-vodkas and decided to puke glitter and tulle. Alternatively this could be what Ke$ha could shit if she decided to eat a ballerina.

How does this even cover anything?

HOT:

TSwift - Taylor stole the show with this Cleopatra knockoff. Brownie points to her for being able to show us leg, lyrics and side boob throughout the whole show. The only downside is that the fatty in me wants to spoon-feed her some pizza. Look at those arms. 

Did you like the Grammy's fashion? Did you think it's just a stupid reason for people to dress up and hang out in the Staples Center? Let me know, because I care about each and every one of you, assmunchkins.

If you liked this post, check out my other stuff here:

7 Reasons Why I Never Intend To Spawn Children

5 Movies That Actually Don't Suck

5 Reasons Why Going To The Mall Hurts More Than Getting Shot In The Face

The 5 Shittiest Christmas Presents You Can (and Will) Receive

Christmas is a joyous event. I get to go home, my mother feeds me food that requires actual cooking (as opposed to my usual microwave faux sausage & biscuit meals), and I get avalanches of large, albeit completely useless, presents. (Read: How to Ruin Christmas) Despite my abundant fondness with all things Christmas, the issue of craptastical presents remains ever present. (Get it? Good.) Call me a dickbag or call me honest (I don’t really care) either way Christmas is, has, and always will be about hoarding expensive shit that I would otherwise never purchase with my own money.

1. Christmas themed Christmas presents shit 



In a world where ugly sweaters are the pinnacle of hipsterdom, one would logically conclude that Christmas themed shit would be sold year-round (for ironic purposes).  

This is what sex appeal looks like

Surprisingly, not the case. The result is Christmas themed Christmas presents shit, one of the worst and most useless Christmas presents out there. You open it up, and have exactly 12 hours before you shove it in the back of your closet for the next 364 days.

2.“Make your own whatever” kits

This might very well be a me thing, but I have never been fond of make-your-own whatever kits. My time is precious and chances are that whatever I make will be a substantially crappier version of a product that is already easily purchasable.

Yep. This is a thing.

Any “present” that requires effort and manual labor from my part should be promptly incinerated with the pile of ugly Christmas sweaters. 

3. Clothes

I don’t care if you pushed me out of your hoo-hah. I don’t care if our friendship has outlived the longest running Danish soap opera. Don’t buy me clothes. You probably don’t know me as well as you think you do and regardless of the item I will be inclined to hate it. I can’t explain it. It’s just… science.

4.Outdated Technology

I’m not talking about cool outdated technology, like a Gameboy color with pokemon blue version. I’m specifically anti “oh-shit-it’s-christmas-and-I-forgot,-so-let-me-show-you-my-faux-appreciation-for-your-existence-with-this-dated-item-I-found-in-the-bargain-bin-at-frys-as-I-was-leaving” kind of presents. Like a USB cooling fan, or a laser pointer/powerPoint clicker/English to Welsh translator device. It is of no use to me, and I will simply not stand for it.

5. As seen on TV

My hostility against as seen on TV gifts likely stems from my hatred of slimy misogynist douchebag, Vince “Offer” Shlomi. You know, the skeezeball from the schticky commercials?

So this is what Satan's asshole looks like!

See? Slimy. Either way, as seen on TV gifts always reek of senior citizens and identity fraud. If you want to keep it classy, reserve the as seen on TV gifts for extra special holidays, like presidents day and Tim Burton day. The only exception? Pajama jeans. Those suckers are good for any occasion.

 ____

What presents do you shit bricks for? Leave it in the comments below and you just might are certain to get a response from me if I’m not busy with important adult people things, because I will in all likelihood be watching gangnam style cat parodies.

Oh and follow me on Twitter!

5 Movies That Actually Don't Suck

There is no structure to my blogging. It's mostly made up of verbal diarrhea that I translate into written word. Wanting to add more structure to my musings, I'm going to try making a consistent weekly post.

Now I don't know much. (Read: 4 Reasons why I Didn’t (and Still Don’t) Deserve my Bachelors Degree) But I do know an absurd amount of stuff on movies. Some may call me a movie buff. Except unlike your traditional movie buff I don't waste my time with film that may be considered "classic" "timeless" or God forbid, "award winning". I am, for the most part, a simple woman of simple pleasures.

After all, what's the point of watching a film critics are raving about. When 90% of your thoughts are regurgitated bullshit you read somewhere, I find it much more interesting to find beauty in movies people generally consider to be shit.

So here goes, part one of hopefully many installments in the "Movies That Actually Don't Suck" series.

1. Space Jam

The premise: Arguably the best (and most watchable) sports movie ever made, Space Jam documents the triumphant journey of the looney tunes in beating the Nerdlucks/Monstars in a game of basketball. Long story short, the Nerdlucks/Monstars steal (through what looks like alien osmosis) the talent of some then-great basketball players. Then they challenge the Looney Tunes to a basketball game because Mister Swackhammer Danny DeVito is a dick who wants to enslave the Looney Tunes for his intergalactic theme park. The Looney Tunes freak the hell out and enlist the help of MJ to beat the shit out of the Monstars.

Why it doesn't suck: I contemplated just inserting a link to the full movie since you know, the entire movie is just that good. In all seriousness though, just take a look at the cast. Somehow, somewhere, someone convinced Michael Jordan that making a kids movie in which he's the only visible human for about 90% of it, was a good idea. But it doesn't stop at michael. The same diplomatic genius that convinced MJ to do the film also convinced Wayne Knight (as seen in some timeless pieces such as but not limited to: Pound Puppies, The Grim Adventures of Billy and Mandy, and Dirty Dancing), Charles Barkley, Danny DeVito, Bill Murray (as seen in anything that was ever, even remotely, Ghostbusters related), and Larry Bird (aka: the great white hope).

What Rotten Tomatoes gave it:  35% on the tomatometer.

What I give it: (Four and a half Shalott faces)

Mostly because I feel like there could have been more use of Lola Bunny. 

2. Clockstoppers

The premise: Zak Gibbs, the super cute and super misunderstood high school hot stuff (that no one seems to acknowledges as such) tries to win the love of Francesca, the  Mexican Nicaraguan Venezuelan (?) ambassador's daughter. He enlists the help of his quirky friend Meeker to help him with his heart winning shenanigans, all to a fantastic 1999 punk pop music montage. Shit gets real, the kids get their hands on a watch that stops time and there's an even greater montage where a dog takes a giant piss on a cop. The NSA/evil scientist/angry fuckers (this part is a tad unclear in the film) find out about the watch, and hunt the kids down. Shit gets real, more fantastic montages happen, and Zak gets the girl (who has mysteriously lost her accent by the end of the movie).

Why it doesn't suck: Did you read that description? Montages. Montages!

How can anyone hate a movie with not one but TWO Blink-182 songs. Granted there are some oopsies in the film; why does Francesca suddenly lose her accent? Where are all these kids' parents? But all in all this movie is worth its weight in soundtrack.

What Rotten Tomatoes gave it: 29% on the tomatometer


What I give it: Five Shalott faces! Despite being void of the traditional characteristics that make a movie good; decent actors, comprehensible story line, etc. there remains a soft spot in my heart for this straight to VHS cinematic masterpiece. 

3. Smart House

The premise: Kid wins house. House does cool shit like make you food and wake you up to Backstreet boys music videos. House freaks the fuck out. Hilarity Ensues.

Why it doesn't suck: Anyone who thinks Ryan Merriman was a fool for taking this role is an absolute moron. Lets forget for a second, that the whole film is a giant criticism of cyborgs and may very well have been the predecesor to the comparatively inferior film I, Robot. This movie came out when I was 8 years old. Wayyyy back in the days of Skip Its and the original 150 Pokemon. If anything, the movie is a phenomenal way of remember just how absolutely shitty life was in the 90s. The house is SO smart, it even lets you be on the phone and the internet AT THE SAME TIME.

What Rotten Tomatoes gave it: They had the audacity to not rank it.

What I give it: Three Shalott faces. I realize it's shitty but it's the kind of shitty you watch over and over again for nostalgic purposes. And you know what? Thats worth ten million Shalott faces in my book.


4. Demolition Man

The premise: Sylvester Stallone is a super cop who is cryogenically frozen in 1996. He wakes up in 2032, butt naked, to an exceedingly attractive fellow-cop played by Sandra Bullock in an eerily peaceful Los Angeles. After finding out his arch nemesis, convicted fellon Wesley Snipes, has been cryogenically un-frozen, the crime fighting Stallone-Bullock duo have to save the day. Theres also a great part about wiping your ass with seashells. I've included the clip for you're viewing pleasure.

Why it doesn't suck: Oh you mean other than the fact that Sylvester Stallone, Sandra Bullock, Wesley Snipes, and Rob Schneider are in a science fiction movie together? It's funny, its smart, its quasi-prophetic. Just watch it. Trust me.

What Rotten Tomatoes gave it: 63% and certified fresh.

What I give it:  Five Shalott faces! Why? Because seashells.


5. Raise Your Voice

The premise: A classic coming of age drama wrapped in angst and fried in Paula Deen's tears, this movie had the makings of oscar gold but somehow fell short. Hillary Duff is Terri Fletcher, a small town girl trying to make her way into a prestigeous singing academy to honor her brother Paul, who dies in a car crash after being at a Three Days Grace concert. She gets in, everyone hates her, she overcomes some of that classic white-girl adversity and triumphs in the end.

Why it doesn't suck: I tend to root for Hillary Duff even when she's spawning children from hockey players so it's hard for me to not think this movie is great. She sings, she cries, Oliver James is drunk on a rooftop. It just doesn't get any better.  The only thing that would make this movie better is if they had somehow managed to encorporate a visit from the illustrious Paolo from the sensational pop duo 'Paolo and Isabella'. Don't know what the hell I'm talking about? Its cool. Watch this:

What Rotten Tomatoes gave it: 15%. Seriously?

What I give it: Three Shalott faces. It was originally 5 Shalotts, then I added an extra Shalott because of Oliver James. Unfortunately Three Days Grace is in the movie not one, but TWO different times, so I couldn't bring myself to give it anything higher than 3 Shalotts.



Have a movie that actually doesn't suck and you would like to see reviewed? Use your fingers, type that shit out in the comments section below, and I'll do it.

7 Reasons Why I Never Intend To Spawn Children

Before anyone gets their panties in a twist, let me start off by saying that I do not give two shits if you produce offspring. Go for it. Sometimes I even enjoy playing with babies.

The best part? 

I get to play with them and then give them back to their parents when they take a giant green shit everywhere.

But babies scare the living shit out of me, so I don't think I'll be doing any of this in the future:

Yeah. That's a human coming out of a hoo-hah. Need more reasons? Here are seven. 

1. Everything comes out of every orifice imaginable.

This is kindof a no-shit (pun fully intended) statement, but a seriously overlooked one. Holding a fellow human being and having them burp up half-digested boob milk is one thing, but once poop comes into play, I'm out. A simple google image search for "Baby Poop" yields some disgusting results that I wouldn't even wish upon my single greatest enemy. Seriously. Did you know that baby shit could be watery AND green, because I sure didn't. The worst part, aside from the fact that they spew crap literally every couple hours, is that their little butts are so extremely delicate that you have to wipe with the same level of caution as dusting the crown jewels (I'm not stopping the puns, so just stop reading now).

2. Giving birth is so painful your body has a hormone to trick you into forgetting about it.

I don't recall where I heard this and it might not be true. Or it might. Hell if I know. Regardless, someone at some point convinced me that upon releasing a human being from my over-stretched coochie, I would forget the excruciating pain to ensure my dumb ass get pregnant again. Fortunately I'm smarter than that and if I never get preggers in the first place, I don't have to deal with my hormones calling the family planning shots. 

3. Their body parts fall off.

Okay that might be a tad mellow dramatic, but you get the idea. Have you ever seen a baby's belly button before it turns all cute and sealed? No? Here:

HOLY MOTHER OF GOD. No, thats not an alien pulsating through a human body. It's just the withering remains of life. Now imagine having to handle a human being who for the first couple weeks of life has that monstrosity protruding from their abdomen. 

4. Angry babies will kick and punch the shit out of their pregnant mother.

They say a picture is worth a thousand words, but I think this one is worth ten million. Notice the angry "let-me-the-fuck-out" position of this baby foot. 

This gives new meaning to the phrase "Oh look, the baby is kicking!" What other adorable shenanigans can your little fetus friend get into? One word: boners. Yep. Apparently the "feel good" hormones a mother releases can trigger the "feel good" boner reflex of a baby boy. Talk about oedipus complex.

5. You shit everywhere.

This seems to be a common theme of pregnancy and babies, and is also the number one reason why I don't intend on spawning. All of the 10 minutes I spent googling before I decided to write this research seems to indicate that the vast majority of ladies spill their shits right before delivering their bundle of joy. And according to pretty much anyone who has ever spawned, you have ZERO CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWEL MOVEMENTS. Again, no thank you. Very few things are worth me shitting myself over, and babies are definitely not one of them. 

6. After you shit out a human being, you realize how absolutely horrible everything about life is. 

"Why the fuck did I sign up for this shit?" syndrome, also known as post-partum depression, affects 20% of mothers. That means that after carrying your bundle of joy for nine months and surviving nearly mortal levels of pain, you have a 1 in 5 chance of hating everything about your life. If Amber from Teen Mom has taught me anything, it's that I am not will never be self-actualized enough to not want slaughter my child and redneck baby daddy at a moment's notice. 

7. Babies turn into kids. Kids turn into assholes.

I watch obsessively faun over the shows Teen Mom and Teen Mom 2. I have no problem admitting this. In fact, I'd like to think that their struggles have helped me realize how terribly shitty raising kids is.  When all the babies were..err...babies, dealing with them was limited to finding out why they were crying, and fixing it. Now as season 3 rolls around these kids are talking, walking and generally doing terrible toddler stuff. I can't wait until Teen Mom season 16, when Farah has to deal with Sophia's inevitable teenage pregnancy and crippling cocaine addiction. 

If that's not enough reasons to keep your legs closed for the rest of eternity then stay tuned for part II, where I discuss 7 more reasons why babies suck.

BONUS TRIVIA: Did you know that: In this post I said shit (or a derivative of shit) 15 times. I keep it classy.

Where the hell have I Been?

Seriously! Where the hell do I go? While I spend approximately 89.4% of my time on the interweb, I still manage to suck at updating my blog.

I bet it's because of my shitty attention span.

No worries, to fix this I made a tumblr, where I'm far more likely to post stuff. Excellent.

I'll still post here when I remember. Maybe? No. I will. I'll do it.

Here's the link my little assmunchkins http://cordiallycynical.tumblr.com/.

Peace out.

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