“Hello, my
name is Dr. Douchebaggles McHappyturd, and I would like to personally welcome
you, the class of *FILL IN YEAR*, to this exciting new school year at *SCHOOL
NAME*. Like in every movie ever created, you will attend ridiculous parties on
yachts, make unbreakable life long friendships, and come out with a badass
fulfilling job in the end.”
Except absolutely no part of that is true.
1. TAs are Nazis
For the most part, the purpose of a TA is to
assist a professor with the shaping of young minds. In reality, all they end up
doing is patrolling the aisles of the classroom to make sure you aren’t on
Facebook. This marginal sense of importance often goes to their head and
results in some of the most hilarious and embarrassing TA-students interactions
of all time.
2. Getting sick is like plummeting into the
bowels of hell
You will never realize how miserable and
lonesome your existence is until the first time you get sick and are completely
on your own. Aside from the crippling depression that will befall you from
realizing how lonely you are, being sick and having to take care of yourself
requires both money (off brand Tylenol costs HOW much?), and time (“Dr. Turdypants, I promise, I really am about to die this time. Please let me reschedule the test!”), two luxuries you really can’t afford.
3. Parties are never as good in real life as
they are in film
I’m not sure what it is about Hollywood
that manages to make everything seem substantially cooler than its reality
counterpart, perhaps it’s the scripted dialog, perhaps the obligatory
slutty-bitch-gets-pushed-in-the-pool-in-slow-motion action; regardless, it’s never like the movies.
What actually happens at a freshman college
party:
8:00pm – Inform friends of potential party
10:00pm – Decide to go to party
11:00pm – Arrive at party
11:04pm – Be told the alcohol connection
fell through, but “it’s cool”
11:06pm - Watch a game of beer pong with
the 6 warm beers that are left
11:10pm – pronounce the party as “lame” and
leave
4. No one actually redefines who they are
There seems to be some odd understanding of
college as being the place where you can completely forget who you’ve been for
the past 18 years and invent a persona unbeknownst to your family and friends.
This usually works for about two weeks, until everyone realizes that you were a
wiener in high school and will thus, likely continue treating you like said
wiener.
5. Everyone will be better than you at
everything
In high school you may have been hot shit.
But go to college and you very quickly realize that people do some crazy shit
to get to go to college for free. My freshman year I met someone who spent a
year in Australia studying marsupials and caring for baby kangaroos. How the
hell am I supposed to compete with this:
 |
| This is what a $25,000 a year scholarship looks like. |
Moral of the story, stop pretending you’re
a demigod. Because you’re not.
6. School spirit is a total bitch
The first week of freshman year is
generally dedicated to indoctrinating you with the culture of the school, and
this is just fine and dandy if the victim is a willing participant.
90% of the time, this isn’t the case.
Generally, this results in a giant group of
pathetic looking freshman being forced to chant, scream, and awkwardly do full
body motions against their will in the presence of total strangers. Because nothing says school unity like looking
stupid in unison.
