5 Movies That Actually Don't Suck

There is no structure to my blogging. It's mostly made up of verbal diarrhea that I translate into written word. Wanting to add more structure to my musings, I'm going to try making a consistent weekly post.

Now I don't know much. (Read: 4 Reasons why I Didn’t (and Still Don’t) Deserve my Bachelors Degree) But I do know an absurd amount of stuff on movies. Some may call me a movie buff. Except unlike your traditional movie buff I don't waste my time with film that may be considered "classic" "timeless" or God forbid, "award winning". I am, for the most part, a simple woman of simple pleasures.

After all, what's the point of watching a film critics are raving about. When 90% of your thoughts are regurgitated bullshit you read somewhere, I find it much more interesting to find beauty in movies people generally consider to be shit.

So here goes, part one of hopefully many installments in the "Movies That Actually Don't Suck" series.

1. Space Jam

The premise: Arguably the best (and most watchable) sports movie ever made, Space Jam documents the triumphant journey of the looney tunes in beating the Nerdlucks/Monstars in a game of basketball. Long story short, the Nerdlucks/Monstars steal (through what looks like alien osmosis) the talent of some then-great basketball players. Then they challenge the Looney Tunes to a basketball game because Mister Swackhammer Danny DeVito is a dick who wants to enslave the Looney Tunes for his intergalactic theme park. The Looney Tunes freak the hell out and enlist the help of MJ to beat the shit out of the Monstars.

Why it doesn't suck: I contemplated just inserting a link to the full movie since you know, the entire movie is just that good. In all seriousness though, just take a look at the cast. Somehow, somewhere, someone convinced Michael Jordan that making a kids movie in which he's the only visible human for about 90% of it, was a good idea. But it doesn't stop at michael. The same diplomatic genius that convinced MJ to do the film also convinced Wayne Knight (as seen in some timeless pieces such as but not limited to: Pound Puppies, The Grim Adventures of Billy and Mandy, and Dirty Dancing), Charles Barkley, Danny DeVito, Bill Murray (as seen in anything that was ever, even remotely, Ghostbusters related), and Larry Bird (aka: the great white hope).

What Rotten Tomatoes gave it:  35% on the tomatometer.

What I give it: (Four and a half Shalott faces)

Mostly because I feel like there could have been more use of Lola Bunny. 

2. Clockstoppers

The premise: Zak Gibbs, the super cute and super misunderstood high school hot stuff (that no one seems to acknowledges as such) tries to win the love of Francesca, the  Mexican Nicaraguan Venezuelan (?) ambassador's daughter. He enlists the help of his quirky friend Meeker to help him with his heart winning shenanigans, all to a fantastic 1999 punk pop music montage. Shit gets real, the kids get their hands on a watch that stops time and there's an even greater montage where a dog takes a giant piss on a cop. The NSA/evil scientist/angry fuckers (this part is a tad unclear in the film) find out about the watch, and hunt the kids down. Shit gets real, more fantastic montages happen, and Zak gets the girl (who has mysteriously lost her accent by the end of the movie).

Why it doesn't suck: Did you read that description? Montages. Montages!

How can anyone hate a movie with not one but TWO Blink-182 songs. Granted there are some oopsies in the film; why does Francesca suddenly lose her accent? Where are all these kids' parents? But all in all this movie is worth its weight in soundtrack.

What Rotten Tomatoes gave it: 29% on the tomatometer


What I give it: Five Shalott faces! Despite being void of the traditional characteristics that make a movie good; decent actors, comprehensible story line, etc. there remains a soft spot in my heart for this straight to VHS cinematic masterpiece. 

3. Smart House

The premise: Kid wins house. House does cool shit like make you food and wake you up to Backstreet boys music videos. House freaks the fuck out. Hilarity Ensues.

Why it doesn't suck: Anyone who thinks Ryan Merriman was a fool for taking this role is an absolute moron. Lets forget for a second, that the whole film is a giant criticism of cyborgs and may very well have been the predecesor to the comparatively inferior film I, Robot. This movie came out when I was 8 years old. Wayyyy back in the days of Skip Its and the original 150 Pokemon. If anything, the movie is a phenomenal way of remember just how absolutely shitty life was in the 90s. The house is SO smart, it even lets you be on the phone and the internet AT THE SAME TIME.

What Rotten Tomatoes gave it: They had the audacity to not rank it.

What I give it: Three Shalott faces. I realize it's shitty but it's the kind of shitty you watch over and over again for nostalgic purposes. And you know what? Thats worth ten million Shalott faces in my book.


4. Demolition Man

The premise: Sylvester Stallone is a super cop who is cryogenically frozen in 1996. He wakes up in 2032, butt naked, to an exceedingly attractive fellow-cop played by Sandra Bullock in an eerily peaceful Los Angeles. After finding out his arch nemesis, convicted fellon Wesley Snipes, has been cryogenically un-frozen, the crime fighting Stallone-Bullock duo have to save the day. Theres also a great part about wiping your ass with seashells. I've included the clip for you're viewing pleasure.

Why it doesn't suck: Oh you mean other than the fact that Sylvester Stallone, Sandra Bullock, Wesley Snipes, and Rob Schneider are in a science fiction movie together? It's funny, its smart, its quasi-prophetic. Just watch it. Trust me.

What Rotten Tomatoes gave it: 63% and certified fresh.

What I give it:  Five Shalott faces! Why? Because seashells.


5. Raise Your Voice

The premise: A classic coming of age drama wrapped in angst and fried in Paula Deen's tears, this movie had the makings of oscar gold but somehow fell short. Hillary Duff is Terri Fletcher, a small town girl trying to make her way into a prestigeous singing academy to honor her brother Paul, who dies in a car crash after being at a Three Days Grace concert. She gets in, everyone hates her, she overcomes some of that classic white-girl adversity and triumphs in the end.

Why it doesn't suck: I tend to root for Hillary Duff even when she's spawning children from hockey players so it's hard for me to not think this movie is great. She sings, she cries, Oliver James is drunk on a rooftop. It just doesn't get any better.  The only thing that would make this movie better is if they had somehow managed to encorporate a visit from the illustrious Paolo from the sensational pop duo 'Paolo and Isabella'. Don't know what the hell I'm talking about? Its cool. Watch this:

What Rotten Tomatoes gave it: 15%. Seriously?

What I give it: Three Shalott faces. It was originally 5 Shalotts, then I added an extra Shalott because of Oliver James. Unfortunately Three Days Grace is in the movie not one, but TWO different times, so I couldn't bring myself to give it anything higher than 3 Shalotts.



Have a movie that actually doesn't suck and you would like to see reviewed? Use your fingers, type that shit out in the comments section below, and I'll do it.

7 Reasons Why I Never Intend To Spawn Children

Before anyone gets their panties in a twist, let me start off by saying that I do not give two shits if you produce offspring. Go for it. Sometimes I even enjoy playing with babies.

The best part? 

I get to play with them and then give them back to their parents when they take a giant green shit everywhere.

But babies scare the living shit out of me, so I don't think I'll be doing any of this in the future:

Yeah. That's a human coming out of a hoo-hah. Need more reasons? Here are seven. 

1. Everything comes out of every orifice imaginable.

This is kindof a no-shit (pun fully intended) statement, but a seriously overlooked one. Holding a fellow human being and having them burp up half-digested boob milk is one thing, but once poop comes into play, I'm out. A simple google image search for "Baby Poop" yields some disgusting results that I wouldn't even wish upon my single greatest enemy. Seriously. Did you know that baby shit could be watery AND green, because I sure didn't. The worst part, aside from the fact that they spew crap literally every couple hours, is that their little butts are so extremely delicate that you have to wipe with the same level of caution as dusting the crown jewels (I'm not stopping the puns, so just stop reading now).

2. Giving birth is so painful your body has a hormone to trick you into forgetting about it.

I don't recall where I heard this and it might not be true. Or it might. Hell if I know. Regardless, someone at some point convinced me that upon releasing a human being from my over-stretched coochie, I would forget the excruciating pain to ensure my dumb ass get pregnant again. Fortunately I'm smarter than that and if I never get preggers in the first place, I don't have to deal with my hormones calling the family planning shots. 

3. Their body parts fall off.

Okay that might be a tad mellow dramatic, but you get the idea. Have you ever seen a baby's belly button before it turns all cute and sealed? No? Here:

HOLY MOTHER OF GOD. No, thats not an alien pulsating through a human body. It's just the withering remains of life. Now imagine having to handle a human being who for the first couple weeks of life has that monstrosity protruding from their abdomen. 

4. Angry babies will kick and punch the shit out of their pregnant mother.

They say a picture is worth a thousand words, but I think this one is worth ten million. Notice the angry "let-me-the-fuck-out" position of this baby foot. 

This gives new meaning to the phrase "Oh look, the baby is kicking!" What other adorable shenanigans can your little fetus friend get into? One word: boners. Yep. Apparently the "feel good" hormones a mother releases can trigger the "feel good" boner reflex of a baby boy. Talk about oedipus complex.

5. You shit everywhere.

This seems to be a common theme of pregnancy and babies, and is also the number one reason why I don't intend on spawning. All of the 10 minutes I spent googling before I decided to write this research seems to indicate that the vast majority of ladies spill their shits right before delivering their bundle of joy. And according to pretty much anyone who has ever spawned, you have ZERO CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWEL MOVEMENTS. Again, no thank you. Very few things are worth me shitting myself over, and babies are definitely not one of them. 

6. After you shit out a human being, you realize how absolutely horrible everything about life is. 

"Why the fuck did I sign up for this shit?" syndrome, also known as post-partum depression, affects 20% of mothers. That means that after carrying your bundle of joy for nine months and surviving nearly mortal levels of pain, you have a 1 in 5 chance of hating everything about your life. If Amber from Teen Mom has taught me anything, it's that I am not will never be self-actualized enough to not want slaughter my child and redneck baby daddy at a moment's notice. 

7. Babies turn into kids. Kids turn into assholes.

I watch obsessively faun over the shows Teen Mom and Teen Mom 2. I have no problem admitting this. In fact, I'd like to think that their struggles have helped me realize how terribly shitty raising kids is.  When all the babies were..err...babies, dealing with them was limited to finding out why they were crying, and fixing it. Now as season 3 rolls around these kids are talking, walking and generally doing terrible toddler stuff. I can't wait until Teen Mom season 16, when Farah has to deal with Sophia's inevitable teenage pregnancy and crippling cocaine addiction. 

If that's not enough reasons to keep your legs closed for the rest of eternity then stay tuned for part II, where I discuss 7 more reasons why babies suck.

BONUS TRIVIA: Did you know that: In this post I said shit (or a derivative of shit) 15 times. I keep it classy.

Where the hell have I Been?

Seriously! Where the hell do I go? While I spend approximately 89.4% of my time on the interweb, I still manage to suck at updating my blog.

I bet it's because of my shitty attention span.

No worries, to fix this I made a tumblr, where I'm far more likely to post stuff. Excellent.

I'll still post here when I remember. Maybe? No. I will. I'll do it.

Here's the link my little assmunchkins http://cordiallycynical.tumblr.com/.

Peace out.

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