Christmas is a joyous event. I get to go home, my
mother feeds me food that requires actual cooking (as opposed to my usual
microwave faux sausage & biscuit meals), and I get avalanches of large,
albeit completely useless, presents. (Read: How to Ruin Christmas) Despite my
abundant fondness with all things Christmas, the issue of craptastical presents
remains ever present. (Get it? Good.) Call me a dickbag or call me honest (I
don’t really care) either way Christmas is, has, and always will be about
hoarding expensive shit that I would otherwise never purchase with my own
money.
1.
Christmas themed Christmas presents shit
In a world where ugly sweaters are the pinnacle
of hipsterdom, one would logically conclude that Christmas themed shit would be
sold year-round (for ironic purposes).
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| This is what sex appeal looks like |
Surprisingly, not the case. The result
is Christmas themed Christmas presents shit, one of the worst and most
useless Christmas presents out there. You open it up, and have exactly 12 hours
before you shove it in the back of your closet for the next 364 days.
2.“Make
your own whatever” kits
This might very well be a me thing, but I have never been fond of
make-your-own whatever kits. My time is precious and chances are that whatever
I make will be a substantially crappier version of a product that is already
easily purchasable.
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| Yep. This is a thing. |
Any “present” that requires effort and manual labor from my
part should be promptly incinerated with the pile of ugly Christmas sweaters.
3.
Clothes
I don’t care if you pushed me out of
your hoo-hah. I don’t care if our friendship has outlived the longest running
Danish soap opera. Don’t buy me clothes. You probably don’t know me as well as
you think you do and regardless of the item I will be inclined to hate it. I can’t
explain it. It’s just… science.
4.Outdated
Technology
I’m not talking about cool outdated technology, like a Gameboy
color with pokemon blue version. I’m specifically anti “oh-shit-it’s-christmas-and-I-forgot,-so-let-me-show-you-my-faux-appreciation-for-your-existence-with-this-dated-item-I-found-in-the-bargain-bin-at-frys-as-I-was-leaving”
kind of presents. Like a USB cooling fan, or a laser pointer/powerPoint
clicker/English to Welsh translator device. It is of no use to me, and I will
simply not stand for it.
5.
As seen on TV
My hostility against as seen on TV gifts
likely stems from my hatred of slimy misogynist douchebag, Vince “Offer” Shlomi.
You know, the skeezeball from the schticky commercials?
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| So this is what Satan's asshole looks like! |
See? Slimy. Either way, as seen on TV
gifts always reek of senior citizens and identity fraud. If you want to keep it
classy, reserve the as seen on TV gifts for extra
special holidays, like presidents day and Tim Burton day. The only
exception? Pajama jeans. Those suckers are good for any occasion.
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What presents do you shit bricks for?
Leave it in the comments below and you just might are certain to get a
response from me if I’m not busy with important adult people things,
because I will in all likelihood be watching gangnam style cat parodies.
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